Dear Diary
by Smelling Margaret
Summary: A selection of diary entires from Vince Noir.
1. Entry One

**A/N: ****A new story! Yay! Anyways, I hope you enjoy this one. x**

**Disclaimer:**** Hoy a nasha yoya yom! That's Hungarian for "I do not own the Boosh."**

Dear Diary,

I'm not sure what to write in a diary but I heard about it and I thought I would give it a try. So… I guess I'll start by telling a little bit about myself. My name's Vince Noir. I live in Dalston with my best mate named Howard, a shaman named Naboo and a gorilla named Bollo. And I am genuinely and thoroughly in love with my best mate.

**A/N:****I know that this first chapter was super short but reviews would be appreciated. x **


	2. Entry Two

**A/N:**** Hazah! I have arrived again bearing chapters and you are all my Oliver Twists going, "Please, ma'am. May I have some more?" and so I bring you more like Santa Clause. That's right. I used two metaphors. That just shows my writing skills. This entry to Vince's diary was longer. I know because I have it. It's cleverly disguised as a Cheekbone magazine. Oh, clever Vince.**

**Disclaimer:**** Simon Amstell is definitely wrong. Oh, and I don't own the Boosh.**

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry for bombarding that on you yesterday. I should have given you a hint like a heart or something by his name to emphasize that he's special. Anyways, let me tell you a little bit about him. He's a Northern jazzy freak that wears a lot of brown. I'm a Camden princess that wears perhaps too much glitter and perhaps look a little bit too much like a girl. You may wonder how I could love a guy so different from myself.

It actually happened while we were in school. It was the ninth grade, about the time that I started changing my appearances. Howard and I had already been friends for some time.

Anyways, I had about that time realized that I didn't feel comfortable in boys' clothes. I felt too dingy, too ugly. So I came home from school one day and just dyed my hair. I just dyed it black. Just like that.

I then grabbed some art supplies and my clothing and made whole new outfits. They were colorful, sparkly, and soft (due to feathers).

I then grabbed my mum's makeup and put it on. I continued to put it on and the take it off until I go the hang of it. (It's quite hard to put on makeup the first time.)

I went to school the next day looking like a girl with a boy's haircut. Well, as you'd expect from a group of ninth grade guys who were talking to a guy that looked like a girl, I was ridiculed. I mean, I was ridiculed severely. A guy pushed me into the lockers and was about to pummel me. I was well terrified. There was nothing I could do about it. I was never good at sports so I couldn't even attempt to retaliate. That's whenever I heard his voice. It was the sound of an angel to me.

"Hey, you don't touch him, alright?" Howard shouted from behind the bully.

"Oh, yeah? Who's going to stop me?" the bully said, turning around.

"Howard TJ Moon," Howard said.

We ended up in the nurse's office, me with a busted lip and Howard with a black eye. All three of us were suspended.

We sat there in silence for a little while until I decided to speak up. Not even a busted lip could keep me from telling Howard my gratitude towards him.

I brought Howard closer to me and hugged him tightly.

"Don't touch me, sir!" Howard exclaimed. This was actually the first time that I heard this phrase because that was the first time that I was actually myself ad not afraid to touch boys without feeling awkward.

"Shut up you nonce and hug me," I said, ignoring the pain in my lip.

Shakily Howard put his arms around me. I rested my head on his shoulder, whispering, "Thank you so much for saving me," and then pulling away from he hug and kissing him on the cheek, grimacing in pain from the lip wound.

I thought I saw Howard blush but I decided to ignore it. This wouldn't be the last time that I ignored Howard's affection. I think I'm afraid, really. I'm afraid of what might happen if we were to go out. I mean, what if it wasn't meant to be and we break up? Is our friendship really worth losing? Howard thinks I'm just being mean to him because I just like to but really I'm saving him. That's why I laughed at him in the Tundra. That's why I said that I wasn't in love with him on the roof. True, by the time we had fallen and I was clinging on to him for dear life and I thought that we were going to die and we were so deathly close to each other, I wanted to say how much I loved him although all that came out was, "Oh, shit!" I was at the bottom and he was on top of me and our lips brushed together and butterflies raged through me (I never knew butterflies could be so violent!) But then once we landed, _she_ came along and I knew that was fate telling me that we were not meant to be so I grinned and bared it. So now I will never tell Howard how I feel.

**A/N:**** Oh joy, nothing like parents screaming at each other to get you in the writing mood! I believe my step-dad said, "Fuck you, you psychotic bitch!" But anyways, enough about me, tell me how you feel with some reviews! **


	3. Entry Three

**A/N:**** I've had some requests lately for me to hurry up with my update so I decided to ignore my homework (at least for the moment) and do it. Anyways, this chapter's a bit Motley Crue inspired because I'm currently reading their autobiography called "The Dirt" that I bought yesterday.**

**Disclaimer:**** Do I? Don't I? Do I? Don't I? Do I? Don't I? I don't. But do I? **

Dear Diary,

All my life I wanted to become a rock star. I was never good at school and thought that it would be my ticket out from doing any actual work. My hair even looks like Mick Mars and Tommy Lee's from the Motley Crue. Anytime a teacher would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'd smile at them and say, "A rock and roll star."

Whenever I got older, I'd go out and try to find some band auditions. They usually liked me because I looked like a proper rock star. I'd join them but leave my equipment in the car (which was my mum's but I didn't tell anybody that.) If I hated them, I'd say I was just going to get my equipment out of the car and then leave.

That's what I do with just about everything. If I get bored, I leave. That's the story of my life. I always claim how boring Howard is but whenever it comes right down to it, I could never think he is boring. That would require me leaving him and I could never do that. I could never leave Howard even if my life depended on it.

**A/N: ****Sorry this one's so short again.** **I just thought that this would be a good stopping point. I mean…Vince thought this would be a good stopping point. Yeah… Anyways, I'm going to update soon, I promise. I already have thoughts for the next chapter. I mean…wait…aw, fuck it.**


	4. Entry Four

**A/N:**** Okay, so this one is inspired by the little surprise Noel had at the end of his dance for Let's Dance for Comic Relief. When I saw the end I screamed so much. I'm still smiling about it. Anyways, sorry about my lack of plot in this story. I was going to do something with a plot in it for this chapter but since I'm so happy about the Boosh reunion, I'll do it in the next one.**

**Disclaimer:**** Just like m heart, it belongs to Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt.**

Dear Diary,

I had the oddest dream last night. There was smoke everywhere. No, actually, I think it was dry ice. I don't think it was everywhere, either. I think it was at my feet.

But anyways, I could hear screaming from somewhere I couldn't see because of a bright light. Actually, now that I think about it, it wasn't screaming. It was actually cheering.

I think I was dressed as Kate Bush. Or was it Florence Welch?

Anyways, I couldn't move my limbs at all. I seemed to have been doing some kind of voodoo witchcraft thing. Or dancing.

I was so scared. I'm not sure why.

But then I saw Howard and all my worries went away. I melted at the side of him. He was dressed like a medieval pastry salesmen. I ran up to him and jumped into his arms. He spun me around a few times then carried me away while the cheering continued somewhere in the background.

I remember placing my hand on the back of his head while we escaped from the strange, open place into a warm, small corridor. I was grinning from ear to ear. It seemed like forever since the last time I saw him.

I was panting heavily from all the dancing I had done and from the fright I felt from having Howard's face so terribly close to mine. And then-nothing. The dream ended. I was so frustrated when I woke up. It felt so terribly real. I even remember hearing "Wuthering Heights" by Kate Bush while I was dancing. Her voice sounded different, though. The song was too short as well. There was so much cut out.

I even remember the beat of my heart from dancing and from the closeness to Howard. I always did have an overactive imagination, though. That's what the doctors told my mum when I was five.

I just wish my heart would stop pounding now.

**A/N:**** Sorry it took me so long again to update. Reviews would be genius, though. :D **


	5. Entry Five

**A/N:**** I told you I had something with a plot lined up in this story. This story **_**is**_** going somewhere, I promise. Sometimes you just have to set the scene, spin the yarn some. I call this a semi-plot. It probably won't last more than two chapters and isn't **_**that**_** important. But, anyways, here's the next chapter that has been long anticipated by you. (Maybe. I don't know. I hope so. I hope someone cares. But, anyway. XD)**

**Disclaimer:**** My step-dad has a book called **_**Revenge of the Buck-Naked Surfer Dudes**_** and is currently working on a book called **_**Legends**_** but I do not own this show, sorry if you were expecting that.**

Dear Diary,

Guess what? Yesterday was my birthday! How great is that? Sorry I wasn't able to write anything yesterday. I was a bit busy. I bet you want to hear _all _about it. Well, this is what basically happened, all right? I woke up yesterday morning (around noon) to Bollo bringing me some Coco Pops to my bed. Breakfast in bed! How cool is that? Then, after the procedure three hours of getting ready for the day, it was time to open presents. I got these real genius boots from Bollo that light up whenever you walk. They were a one-of-a-kind Chelsea original. There were no other ones in the world like it. Then I received this bottle of glitter from Naboo. Naboo always gave me crappy presents that are "to be used for emergencies only" but this year he actually got me something that was good.

"Cheers, Naboo," I said. "I'll use this when I go out clubbing tonight."

"Actually, Vince, this is-"

By then I tuned out. Like I really needed Naboo to tell me what glitter was. I'm not _that_ stupid. I instead started looking around for Howard. He was nowhere to be seen. He didn't even have a present left for me.

Don't tell anyone this, Diary, but I was really starting to get upset. I always pretend like I don't care, but I really do because I love him. My birthday just doesn't feel complete without that Northerner.

"Vince, are you listening to me?" Naboo asked, tearing me away from my thoughts.

"Yeah, yeah, of course I am, Naboo."

"Then what did I just say?"

"Um…Have you seen Howard around, Naboo?" I asked slightly to distract him and slightly out of curiosity.

He shrugged. "I haven't seen him since I woke up."

"I'll see you later, yeah Naboo?" I said getting up and walking towards the stairs that lead down to the shop.

"Where are you going?" he asked, turning around so that he was facing me again.

"It's my birthday, remember? I can't just spend a birthday all cooped up with you lunatics. I'm part of the Camden elite. I've got to appeal to my fans."

"Just don't go getting yourself into trouble, yeah? I can't afford to rescue your arse again."

I laughed. "You're not my mum, Naboo. I can take care of myself."

"What about that one time that that rouge jazz cell got into your body and I had to convince Howard to go inside you and get it out?"

_You had to __**convince**__ Howard to help me?_ My insides screamed. I felt a giant lump in my throat. _Howard needed __**convincing**__? Was I not important enough to help? All this time I thought about how brave Howard was for doing that, even if I did keep it all inside._

On the outside, though, I just laughed and said, "I don't think that's going to happen this time. I'll be extra careful and try not to eat any records."

"Fine, but when you are completely invisible and need to turn back visible because while you are invisible you are completely mute so that it's harder for people to find out your presence and you need to talk so that you can tell the person you love your real feelings, don't come crying to me."

I laughed. "Whatever, Naboo."

With that final salute, I walked down stairs to the Nabootique and out the door. The real reason I wanted to go out was to find Howard. Howard couldn't just _not_ be there for my birthday. I decided to first try Lester Corncrake's house. That was where he was most likely to be.

I was just reaching Lester's house when I heard an annoying little voice in the distance.

"Hey, Vince, my man!" said Leroy as he came pouncing over. "'The Vinyl Doctor?'" he said as he looked up at the sign above my head, a slight grimace on his face.

"What? You mean this isn't Topshop?" I said, quickly scrambling for a reason to be there.

"Have you been drinking without me, mate?" Leroy said, mocking upset.

"Well, you know, it is my birthday," I said, relieved.

"Fair enough, mate. So the party at?"

"The Velvet Onion starting at nine and ending whenever. Tell everyone, yeah?"

"Sure thing, man. See you later," he said as he started to walk away.

"Cheers, Leroy. You're a diamond. See you tonight."

I spent the entire afternoon looking for Howard. I felt worried. Howard would never deliberately miss my birthday. Was there something wrong with him? I felt sick to my stomach. It eventually got dark, though, and I knew it would be a lost cause for me to continue looking for him. And it was, after all, my birthday. I wanted to have fun. I just had to forget about Howard.

I entered the Nabootique tiredly and wearily looked up at the clock. I wasn't used to doing stuff like that and it wore me out. I nearly shat myself when I saw what time it was. It was almost eight!

"Shit!" I cursed, running up the stairs to the flat.

I raced past Naboo and Bollo who were lying on the couch with the hookah and watching old reruns of Peacock Dreams.

"Fuck!" I said as I realized that I didn't buy a single thing while I was gone so that I could wear it for that night.

I started frantically searching though my wardrobe to find something, _anything_ that I hadn't worn yet. Then I realized that I didn't have enough time and grabbed the flow-y shirt that I wore on Howard's birthday all those years ago (how could anyone forget _that_) and some drainpipes and ran to the bathroom to get ready.

_Shit, I must really love you, Howard,_ I thought as I frantically took a shower (limiting it down to half an hour instead of an hour).

Even after putting on the new light-up boots that Bollo had gotten me, I still didn't feel good enough to go out to the Camden elite for my birthday party. I still felt like I was missing something. Then it hit me.

I quickly ran into my room and grabbed Naboo's bottle of glitter. _It never hurts to glitterize yourself,_ I thought as I grabbed some of the glitter and sprinkled it over my head.

I smiled to myself in satisfaction as I turned toward the mirror. The smile turned into complete horror, though, as I suddenly realized that I was turning-

Oh, shit! Howard's home from Jazzercise. I'll finish telling you the story tomorrow, yeah? I promise.

**A/N****: Oh, crapnoodles! I've left you with a cliffhanger! What will happen next? What is Vince turning into? Where is Howard? I think Naboo's little warning to Vince may be a clue. ;) I considered leaving that out but I knew that it was only fair to have that seeing as I've left you with a cliffhanger. But what will happen? Will Vince confess his love to Howard? Only time shall tell. Just remember, I'll update sooner if you guys leave reviews. Otherwise, I'll think you won't care and I'll take my time with the next update. Whew! This was a long chapter! (Well, for me anyways.) So, yeah, review! :D**


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